Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Plot: I couldn’t understand what the people were talking about, so I made up my own plot about a group of guys who want to steal some antique rifles and have all sorts of great adventures.

Review: Having since watched this movie with English subtitles, I can honestly say that my plot was far better.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
3 and a half – but they’d be ones stolen from the garbage because my own are far too valuable.

There’s Something About Mary

Plot: Not sure if there is one. But I cheered at the end when Tom Hanks called in the airstrike and all the Nazis died. Then Ben Stiller cried.

Review: Funniest movie I’ve ever seen! (With the possible exception of Soldier).

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this in a cinema again?
2, or I might even pay $7 again.

Soldier

Plot: Comic genius, Kurt Russell, stars in this hilarious film of space travel, genetic engineering and final showdowns of epic proportions. After he kills Bruce Lee, everyone lives happily ever after.

Review: Funniest movie I’ve ever seen! Even better than the evening news.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this in a cinema again?
8, but they’d all be pieces of paper with the words ‘ticket stub’ written on them.

Saving Private Ryan

Plot: It’s like Police Academy!

Review: This movie was really funny, not quite on par with Soldier but who couldn’t stop laughing at the guy looking for his arm! Don’t watch this movie while eating or drinking because you’ll just spray it everywhere. Hilarious!

So, how mnay ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
1 – but I’d leave after the first 20 minutes because there are better things to do than watch a crappy three-hour movie.

Elizabeth

Plot: A couple Australians pretending to be English kill off some barbarians and take over the world.

Review: Apparently based on a true story, this movie is a fantastic musical of epic proportions! Watch out for the outrageous dance number in the third act which combines dance, bananas and daggers with music and a song which advances the plot at the same time! Sheer brilliance.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
2 and a half stubs!

Blade

Plot: The guy from Demolition Man kills some vampires and then robs an ice-cream shop with a syringe.

Review: This movie would have been so much better if there were some action sequences – I thought I was watching a romantic comedy.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
3 – and they’d be good ones too, not crappy ones which I’d give to watching The Phantom Menace again.

Dark City

Plot: The guy from some movie nobody remembers wakes up in a bathroom. Then, he goes fishing.

Review: Yet another of those movies for intelligent people only. In other words, nobody is allowed to understand this masterpiece of art unless you’re one of the filmmakers. Yes, this means you! You do not understand this movie, nobody does!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
Half of one. But only if I didn’t know what movie it was.

The X-Files Movie

Plot: The guy from the X-Files and the woman from the X-Files guest-star in this movie about the X-Files. Some stuff happens and then everyone goes to Antarctica for a barbeque.

Review: I have no idea what this movie was about. Totally over my head – whooosh!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
6 – but they’d be bogus stubs I’d buy from a scalper outside the cinema.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Plot: The guy from 21 Jump Street takes some drugs and the cinema screen goes all googly.

Review: An awesome movie. So many layers. I doubt that 99.999% of people would understand this movie like I do – because only my superior intellect and perception can comprehend the complex messages and themes beneath this seemingly simple movie. In other words, if you are not me, you can’t possibly begin to appreciate this movie for the masterpiece that it is.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
0 – people should be paying me to watch this movie with them and explain what’s going on.

Jackie Brown

Plot: The story was far too complex for my feeble mind to comprehend, so I’ll just say that it was really good.

Review: This is the first part of a trilogy starring that guy from Batman as the cop. Get Shorty is the prequel about his childhood.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
2 – but it better be a version that isn’t so long because of my limited attention-span.

A Clockwork Orange

Plot: I am not sure, but I’ve pieced it together from watching The Simpsons.

Review: I like classical music.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
5 – but it better be a screening during humane hours, unlike a certain previous midnight showing.

Radiohead

Plot: Some British dudes walk around a stage and play some “music” for a couple hours. Except for one of the dudes who just stands there staring at his guitar, pretending he knows what he’s doing.

Review: Is this what young people call “music”? I’ve heard better “music” listening to static on an untuned television.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie at the cinema again?
3 crappy ones. But I’d probably have a hard time finding this “Radiohead” in a cinema.

Devil’s Advocate

Plot: Bill and/or Ted goes on a big adventure. But it all turns out to be a dream.

Review: It was rated R18+, therefore it must have been good.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
1 – but only because the devil made me do it.

Air Force One

Plot: Some terrorists take over Air Force One, which is apparently some kind of important aeroplane, and the guy from Star Wars doesn’t like it because he won’t get to watch the football match in peace.

Review: I think this movie has a plot, but I’m not sure. But, it does have the guy from Star Wars and lots of guns, so it’s not that bad.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this in the cinema again?
2, but they’d only be photocopies of ticket stubs, not real ones.