Capwte

Plot: Pahowny takes on an entire small town and guns them all to death in a brutal showdown using only his wits and his lisp.

Review: While the Pahowny has successfully re-enacted the adventures of Truman Capote, one can’t help but feel there was a lost opportunity for more mayhem and destruction as was written about in the rare unabridged version of In Cold Blood

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
2 – but they would be the trinkets of the hanged suspects.

King Kong

Plot: A giant monkey man emerges from a deep sleep to exact his vengeance on a strange new world.

Review: Let’s just say that Jack Black should probably stick to comedic roles. It’s nice that he tried to do a Jim Carrey but the problem is that he’s not Jim Carrey. There also should’ve been more monkey madness and ‘splosions.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
3 – but they would be the shattered skulls of islander natives.

The Proposition

Plot: It’s like an Australian Robin Hood story without the good bits.

Review: This is not a good movie nor an easy movie to watch. It would appeal, perhaps, to the sort of person who enjoys skinning small animals. The director of this movie went on to direct The Road, another equally dismal and nonsensical movie with no redeeming features.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
0 – but who really cares?

The Island

Plot: A couple of survivors (clones) are living on an island (cloning facility) when they win the lottery (death-win!).

Review: Wow, a science-fiction movie about clones – I’ve never seen anything like that before, nevermind the clever misdirection at the beginning. Bonus: it’s directed by Michael Bay. Well…. at least the hoverbikes were cool.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
3 and a half – but they would be the internal organs of a McGregor clone.

Ryan Adams & The Cardinals

Plot: An emo country redneck plays some music for the Australian fans of emo country redneck music.

Review: This was the long-awaited Australian Ryan Adams gig ever since Love is Hell was recommended back in the day. Although the show was everything I expected it would be, and more, it was held in smelly, smelly Sydney.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
6 – but they would be the pre-formed shards of the future Cardinals.

War of the Worlds

Plot: Aliens invade planet Earth and then Morgan Freeman saves everyone.

Review: It was quite surprising that Tom Cruise didn’t rescue the entire planet from the alien invaders, particularly after he flew a jet and drove a racecar. I would’ve thought that these skills, along with his other magical abilities, would’ve completely annihilated the aliens within the first 15 minutes of the movie. Instead, the movie continued to inflict itself upon its viewers for another couple hours.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
2 and a half – but they would be the dessicated remains of a Martian Tripod.

Batman Begins

Plot: A psychopathic vigilante goes crazy in a city called Gotham. Then Batman saves everyone.

Review: Well, I didn’t think it possible, but an honestly good Batman movie was finally made. Perhaps it was the sharp scripting or it was the realistic production design, or maybe even the earnest acting – but we all know it was the guest appearance of Katie Holmes’ nipples. Bravo, Mr. Nolan… bravo.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
7 and a half – but they would be the remains of a pearl necklace.

Laura Viers

Plot: A guitar jumps on stage and gets played by an American nerd.

Review: This was one of the best folksy Americana gigs that I have ever experienced apart from REM, Love Outside Andromeda, System Of A Down, Gillian Welch, Sarah Harmer, Sarah McLachlan, Mclusky, Tomahawk, The Cure, Radiohead and Conan The Barbarian.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
5 and a half – but they would be the shattered remains of a meteor.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Plot: A bunch of Sith get all revengy.

Review: The legendary original founding trilogy of Star wars comes to a close in this stunning finale.  From the slaughter of little Jedi children to the epic Vader, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” there is nothing in this film that won’t excite, tittilate and stupefy you!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
2 and a half – but they would be the bloody stumps of a certain Skywalker.

Kingdom of Heaven

Plot: The guy from Lord of the Rings is in yet another type-cast-defying role in a film that has absolutely no swordplay or arrows whatsoever.

Review: I don’t even remember watching this movie. There was a bit about a blacksmith and then something else happened. Then the movie was over.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
4 – but they would be the clumps of dirt of a destroyed planet Earth.

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Plot: The guy from The Office finally gets a big role in a big movie that may or may not be a big disappointment.

Review: Needed more talking animals.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
4 – but they would be the clumps of dirt of a destroyed planet Earth.

REM

Plot: Dudes from the 80s take a time machine into the present and play some music.

Review: Upon experiencing REM in concert for the first time, I have found a new definition for the word ‘overrated’. Now, you might be thinking that I’m being sarcastic again but no, I’m not. REM isn’t that great; they had a few good songs and were popular for a while but let’s all just leave it at that.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
3 – but they would be the shattered remains of my lofty expectations.

Love Outside Andromeda

Plot: A bunch of emos and students play some music.

Review: Because of the usual annoying crowd and ambient noise and sticky floors and bullshit breath of nearby mouth-breathers, it’s difficult to say if a band is any good onstage if I’ve never heard of them before, let alone their music. At least in the case of Love Outside Andromeda, their current non-existence is no loss to the musical culture of humankind.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
2 and a half – but they would be the shards of broken beer glasses.

System of a Down

Plot: A bunch of terroristy-looking people play some music.

Review: It’s difficult to decide whether or not a band is any good if they are able to seamlessly recreate their studio tracks on a live stage. Then again, if I wanted to listen to the studio versions, I have the CDs.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
1 and a half – but they would be the sweat from the lack of air-conditioning at Festival Hall.

Blade: Trinity

Plot: A half-vampire continues in his quest to commit genocide on his own people.

Review: Despite the almost universal criticism of this film, I actually quite liked it. There was action, there was blood, there was laughter and there were lots of vampires. Sure, it was pretty silly that a seasoned vampire-slayer would actually compromise her own spatial awareness by disrupting her hearing by listening to dubious music. And it’s pretty unrealistic that the chick from 7th Heaven was the spawn of the country-music dude. And there were three endings. But a movie with the guy from Battlestar Galactica and Prison Break can’t be all bad.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
4 and a half – but they would be the shredded remains of white iPod earphones.

Napoleon Dynamite

 

Plot: A mildly retarded teenager helps his mildly retarded friend vie for the presidency of the United States of America.

Review: A charming little story about school and being cool. It’s hard to believe it’s based on a true story. Gosh!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
5 and a half – but they would be the tatters of a shirt proclaiming, “VOTE FOR PEDRO”

Team America: World Police

Plot: The Thunderbirds save the world, yet again.

Review: I’m not sure what anyone should expect in a movie with marionettes by the producers of South Park but it’s safe to say that nothing there probably won’t ever be another movie with marionettes without the audience wondering what they look like naked.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
3 – but they would be the retarded remains of Matt Damon’s puppet

Collateral

Plot: A little man travels the city with an itinerant taxi driver telling jokes to random strangers. They don’t find the jokes funny, so the little man shoots them.

Review: This is an excellent documentary of the comedian’s journey to superstardom. Needed more explosions to accentuate the laughtrack.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
3 and a half – but they would be the grey strands of hair of the little man’s wig.

Gillian Welch

Plot: A couple of guitar-slinging hot shots play some Americana “music”

Review: I’ve seen better. Someone better report David Rawlings for abuse of an acoustic guitar – they’re simply not meant to be played like that.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
6 – but they would be broken wheels of the everpresent wheelchair guy

Outfoxed

Plot: Michael Moore does it again with a doco about Fox.

Review: This is a fantastic animated documentary about a fox called Robin that can shoot with a bow and takes on the evil Sheriff. Everyone ends up dancing like the cool puppets from the Jungle Book and escapes the evil clutches of the local zoo.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
2 and a half – but they would be stolen chads.

Metallica: Some Kind of Monster

Plot: The world’s most hated band gets a documentary.

Review: Who would’ve thought Kirk Hammett is gay!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
2 – but they would be the discarded remains of the legendary Napster.

The Bourne Supremacy

Plot: The loser from Courage Under Fire continues his amazing adventures in the world of fire-leaping trapeze artistry.

Review: With the tagline, “They should have left him alone”, the film-makers have asked the audience to wonder if the alternative to the actual movie would have been better. And it would have been… much better.  Bourne and his “friend” would have lived happily ever after in India, eating butter chicken and making friends with the local cows. That would’ve been a lovely film.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
3 and a half – but they would be the shredded documents from the Treadstone project

Pwning Pahowny

Plot: The Hoff(man) makes bazillions through his intrepid skills at gambling. He reinvests in a venture to create an underwater colony and loses it all.

Review: This is the true story of Ocean’s 11 and it couldn’t get any better. The ritzy production values and CGI dice-throwing make the film come alive on the screen and it’s like the audience is in the thick of the action as the Hoff(man) takes Atlantic City to the cleaners!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
4 – but they would be stolen chips from a casino

Fahrenheit 9/11

Plot: The guy who loved bowling goes on a roadtrip in an ice-cream truck

Review: I don’t think the film-makers spent a lot of time on the script for this movie. It starts out with an election and then a bunch of buildings fall down – it’s not very realistic. At least there are lots of war scenes so it qualifies as a great action flick!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
5 – but they would be the airline tickets of a certain bin Laden family.

King Arthur

Plot: The guy from Privateer 2 pulls out a sword that got hit on so hard that whoever pulled it out would become king of England.

Review: There’s not much to say about a film whose promotional posters advocated breast enlargement for the underendowed. It would’ve made more sense if they’d shown off their handiwork during the film itself but we can’t all win.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
1 and a half – but they would be the teeth of fallen Roman soldiers.