Napoleon Dynamite

 

Plot: A mildly retarded teenager helps his mildly retarded friend vie for the presidency of the United States of America.

Review: A charming little story about school and being cool. It’s hard to believe it’s based on a true story. Gosh!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
5 and a half – but they would be the tatters of a shirt proclaiming, “VOTE FOR PEDRO”

Team America: World Police

Plot: The Thunderbirds save the world, yet again.

Review: I’m not sure what anyone should expect in a movie with marionettes by the producers of South Park but it’s safe to say that nothing there probably won’t ever be another movie with marionettes without the audience wondering what they look like naked.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
3 – but they would be the retarded remains of Matt Damon’s puppet

Collateral

Plot: A little man travels the city with an itinerant taxi driver telling jokes to random strangers. They don’t find the jokes funny, so the little man shoots them.

Review: This is an excellent documentary of the comedian’s journey to superstardom. Needed more explosions to accentuate the laughtrack.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
3 and a half – but they would be the grey strands of hair of the little man’s wig.

Gillian Welch

Plot: A couple of guitar-slinging hot shots play some Americana “music”

Review: I’ve seen better. Someone better report David Rawlings for abuse of an acoustic guitar – they’re simply not meant to be played like that.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
6 – but they would be broken wheels of the everpresent wheelchair guy

Outfoxed

Plot: Michael Moore does it again with a doco about Fox.

Review: This is a fantastic animated documentary about a fox called Robin that can shoot with a bow and takes on the evil Sheriff. Everyone ends up dancing like the cool puppets from the Jungle Book and escapes the evil clutches of the local zoo.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
2 and a half – but they would be stolen chads.

Metallica: Some Kind of Monster

Plot: The world’s most hated band gets a documentary.

Review: Who would’ve thought Kirk Hammett is gay!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
2 – but they would be the discarded remains of the legendary Napster.

The Bourne Supremacy

Plot: The loser from Courage Under Fire continues his amazing adventures in the world of fire-leaping trapeze artistry.

Review: With the tagline, “They should have left him alone”, the film-makers have asked the audience to wonder if the alternative to the actual movie would have been better. And it would have been… much better.  Bourne and his “friend” would have lived happily ever after in India, eating butter chicken and making friends with the local cows. That would’ve been a lovely film.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
3 and a half – but they would be the shredded documents from the Treadstone project

Pwning Pahowny

Plot: The Hoff(man) makes bazillions through his intrepid skills at gambling. He reinvests in a venture to create an underwater colony and loses it all.

Review: This is the true story of Ocean’s 11 and it couldn’t get any better. The ritzy production values and CGI dice-throwing make the film come alive on the screen and it’s like the audience is in the thick of the action as the Hoff(man) takes Atlantic City to the cleaners!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
4 – but they would be stolen chips from a casino

Fahrenheit 9/11

Plot: The guy who loved bowling goes on a roadtrip in an ice-cream truck

Review: I don’t think the film-makers spent a lot of time on the script for this movie. It starts out with an election and then a bunch of buildings fall down – it’s not very realistic. At least there are lots of war scenes so it qualifies as a great action flick!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
5 – but they would be the airline tickets of a certain bin Laden family.

King Arthur

Plot: The guy from Privateer 2 pulls out a sword that got hit on so hard that whoever pulled it out would become king of England.

Review: There’s not much to say about a film whose promotional posters advocated breast enlargement for the underendowed. It would’ve made more sense if they’d shown off their handiwork during the film itself but we can’t all win.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to see this movie again at the cinema?
1 and a half – but they would be the teeth of fallen Roman soldiers.

Migration complete….. ?

With all the posts from the old Movie Ticket Stubs site now safe and sound on WordPress, I’ll begin posting stuff from 2004 onwards.  It has been a few years since I’ve vented my sarcastic rage on these movies, so hopefully my reviews will be as crap as ever!

Spider-Man 2

Plot: It’s just like Spider-man 1.

Review: Well… yeah.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
3 – but they would be the shards of glass that killed Doc Ock’s wife.

Sarah Harmer / The Hampdens

Plot: Some talentless Canadian chick sings some lovey-dovey songs about crap. No, wait… that’s McLachlan.

Review: No ticket to display here. Write to the Corner Hotel and DEMAND satisfaction! WE WANT TICKET STUBS!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
5 – but they would be the strings off Sarah Harmer’s kick-ass guitar.

The Day After Tomorrow

Plot: Ice, snow. Snow, ice. And DONNIE!

Review: This movie was a miserable disappointment. They should’ve just uploaded a virus into the atmosphere.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
3 – but they would be the ice crystals off the chin of the frozen British heli-troopers.

Punisher

Plot: Christopher Lambert opens a can of whoop ass on some bad dudes.

Review: This movie was quite the pinnacle of cinematic achievement. My only caveat is that I am torn between comparing this Punisher against the exemplary performance by Dolph and this new actor’s other role in the Stephen King masterpiece Dreamcatcher.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
2 and a half – but they would be the teeth of the Russian.

Sarah McLachlan

Plot: Some talentless Canadian chick sings some lovey-dovey songs about crap.

Review: This concert was a waste of money and time. A disappointment that is rivalled only by the inexplicable sitting-downedness of the crowd – it’s a concert! STAND UP!

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
7 – but they would be the hairs from the head of an unusually long-locked Ms. McLachlan.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Plot: The guy from Dumb and Dumber gets his memory erased for fun… and PROFIT!

Review: This is yet another sucky “la-dee-da film” that mucks around with chronological order just because it’s “cool”. It just didn’t make any sense.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
5 – but they would be the strands of myelin from my baked dendrites.

Troy

Plot: It’s got horseys! Nothing more need be said.

Review: Stuff happens and then more stuff happens and then the movie is over. It’s a quick three hours. Unlike the tripe that was Lord of the Rings – if only Gandalf had thought of building a giant wooden horse, Sauron would have been chuffed.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
2 – but they would be the tendons from Achilles’ heel.

Van Helsing

Plot: Wolverine gets medieval on Dracula!

Review: This was quite possibly the greatest movie I saw that week and that includes the delightful midday movie I caught on my day off from being a university bum.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
1 – but it would be a very nice ticket stub with no blood stains.

Kill Bill: Volume 2

Plot: Some chick who kinda looks like the chick from Kill Bill Volume 1 goes on another rampage.

Review: A boring movie. Too much talk and not enough slicing of heads with katanas. Everybody likes katanas, so there should have been one in every scene. But that didn’t happen. Therefore this movie sucked.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
6 – but they would be the remnants of popcorn left by people who left the theatre early and missed out on the cool end-bit.

Clare Bowditch / Machine Translations

Plot: A bunch of people who reckon they can play music get up on stage and caterwaul for several hours.

Review: Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless. And that’s being generous. A very disappointing performance from all involved – they should be ashamed. Here’s a note: C.W. Stoneking – YOU’RE NOT BLACK! And would it kill the Corner Hotel to put out some chairs? You know, to SIT ON?

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
6 – but they would be the strings off the guitar from that annoying C-whatever-Stoneking.

Barbarian Invasions

Plot: A bunch of foreign-language dudes hang around a hospital and eat food.

Review: Yet another ridiculous movie that calls itself a ‘film’ and even has the gall to use a foreign language for most of the time! Honestly, don’t these movie-makers know that nobody reads those little messages at the bottom of the screen? People are already busy reading their SMS messages on their phones during the movie, they don’t need even more crap to read.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
5 – but they would be a pile of morphine-filled syringes.

21 Grams

Plot:

Review:

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
3 – but they would be a bunch of cigarette butts.

The Last Samurai

Plot: Samurai and ninja get together for an afternoon barbeque.

Review: While this movie was probably better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, it was probably not as good as not getting a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
4 – but they would be the heads of my fallen enemies.

Lost in Translation

Plot: The guy from Ghostbusters wanders around Japan and becomes bestest buddies with the chick from Ghost World.

Review: BORING! Talk, talk, talk! Yak, yak, yak! I wanted to see some guns and ghosts and ghostbusting. What a snore-fest.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
6 – but they would be a bunch of pachinko balls.